You can't get there from here.

On my way to Muckanaghederdauhaulia

Lost, trying to find Boneyafter

I always have time to read all the road signs as I drive by at 60 mph

I did manage to find the church on Sunday

I agree with this road sign and approve the effort to entice children to attend

On a recent day, my companion and I went for a wee walk around the neighbourhood. Our walks usually consist of her racing along just below the speed of light, with me straggling along about 15 yards behind, struggling to catch up. She has the traditional Navajo roles confused and thinks she is supposed to walk in front. As we strolled along I began to think about how the streets are typically named in a given area. It is not unusual to see a local neighbourhood sporting the same main name, but with differing prefixes or suffixes.

For example, you will see Royal Street leading into a small enclave with street names like Royal Gardens, Royal Lane, Royal Court and Royal Pain. If you are looking for a specific address, it can be very complicated if all you have is 7 Royal. You don’t have any way of knowing which one of the several Royals is the correct one. To further complicate the art of finding one’s way around, there can be a house number 7 on each one of the various Royals.

To add to the confusion, it is not a foregone conclusion that Number 6 will be next to Number 7. They will, most likely be on opposite sides of the street, but not necessarily directly across from one another.

For example, we were taking one of the young missionaries to hospital (Notice the absence of the article “the” between “to” and “hospital”. They don’t waste an extra word here when they don’t actually need it. No one ever goes to “the” hospital; they just go to hospital – it’s quicker.) and were looking for the address located at 245 Stranmillis Road. I punched the address into our Satnav but it wasn’t in the database. However, 244 Stramillis Road was in the database, so we figured it was close enough. What we didn’t figure was that we could not, and should not have been figuring in the first place.

We drove along, looking for something that somewhat resembled a hospital. Eventually, we pulled over into a lay-by (A lay-by is a paved area beside a main road where cars can stop temporarily and find out where in the @£$# they are.) and phoned someone who knew where it was. It turns out that Stranmillis Road is quite long and 244 is on the opposite end of the road than 245. We were more than a mile from where we were supposed to be.

Anyway, I was writing about street names. Apparently there is a protocol for getting someone’s address. It goes something like this:

Us: Where do you live?

Them: Do you know where Ballyhackamore is?

Us: No.

Them: It’s just past Knocknagoney, but if you go all the way to Upper Gallwally then you’ve gone to far.

Us: Is it close to Gallifrey?

Them: Haha! You’re a Dr. Who fan, so you are.

Us: What is your street address?

Them: 23 St. Jude’s. Just turn at the wee garage on the corner; you can’t miss it.

Us: Wanna bet?

The next day.

Me: Do you think he meant St. Jude’s Street or St. Jude’s Avenue?

Companion: Neither one. I thought he meant St. Jude’s Road or St. Jude’s Mews.

Me: What if he meant St. Jude’s Parade or St. Jude’s Circus?

Companion: He gave us his address, not directions to an amusement park.

Me: Look! There is St. Jude’s Rise, just across from St. Jude’s Crescent.

Companion: Stop studying the constellations and help me find this place.

Me: The only thing I can find is Hey Jude by the Beatles 'cause it’s on my iPod.

Companion: Play it; we aren’t going to find the address anyway.

Here is a partial list of address names commonly seen around Belfast:

Alley                Arcade                        Avenue                       Bank               Bridge

Centre             Church                       Circus                         Close               Corner

Cottages         Crescent                     Court                          Courts             Drive

East                 Embankment             Farm                           Gardens          Grange

Ground           Green                          Grove                          House             Heights

Lane                Lodge                         Lower                         Market             Mews

Mount             North                           Parade                       Passage          Park

Place              Road                           Rise                             South              Square

Saint               Street                          Terrace                       Villas               View

West               Wood                          Wharf                           Walk                Walkway

Here is a typical exchange between me and a local:

Me: Excuse me sir, I am trying to find Whispering Cottages.

Him: Eh?

Me: I am trying to find Whispering Cottages.

Him: Oh, are you trying to find Whispering Cottages?

Me: Yes.

Him: [Silence]

Me; Do you know where that is?

Him: Yes.

Me: Well, can you tell me how to get there?

Him: Do you know where Lower Ballyknackwhacky is?

Me: No.

Him: Well, it makes no difference; you can’t get there from here.

Bring your Satnav (GPS) if you come to visit. Otherwise you can’t here from wherever you are.

Elder Blickenstaff