Warning: Do not attempt to bank without an appointment!

Author’s Note: The spelling on this blog conforms to British English, so it does.

Today, I shall attempt to describe the peculiarities of the Northern Irish banking system. You may be tempted to skip this essay, assuming the topic to be a bit dull compared to such cracking great reads as the mysterious washing machine that doesn’t or the post office that is never closed unless you need to mail a letter. However, dear reader, I believe the bank that offers no services is worthy of a few minutes of your time.

To establish the proper background for today’s lesson, I will share two quotes:

First, J. Edgar Hoover (1895-1972) said, “Banks are an almost irresistible attraction for that element of our society which seeks unearned money.” Perhaps this explains why most of us have a bank account.

Second, Lord Acton (1834-1902) stated, “The issue which has swept down the centuries and which will have to be fought sooner or later is the people versus the banks.” This may explain why we have a consistent feeling, deep inside, that we ought to change banks.

In any case, upon receiving our mission call to the Scotland Ireland Mission, we received some information relative to setting up a bank account. Without naming names, the initials of our bank probably stand for something like Haemorrhoidal Services Bamboozle Customers, Horrible Services Bank Consortium or perhaps How Service Became Calamitous.

In any event, we dutifully followed the instructions and upon our arrival we had a bank account established in our name. We only had one problem. The account was established in a branch somewhere near Hobbiton, Westfarthing, Middle Earth, England, while we ourselves were in Belfast, Northern Ireland. Not to worry, we were told. Haemorrhoidal Services has branches in Northern Ireland. Being naïve Americans from America, we assumed this meant that we could find a branch of HS near us and all would be well in Zion. And for a time, it was.

But, as always happens, there came a day of reckoning. We needed money. It seems like a simple thing. They have the Internet on computers now, so we used The Google to look at the HS website and found branch locations. There were two. In a country of 1.8 million people, HS has built two whole branches. My hometown, Blanding, Utah, population 3,200 people and a tire, has two bank branches. Heber City, Utah, where my possessions are stored, has a population of 10,100 and it has five bank branches and two credit unions. Houston, Texas, where we raised our family, has one bank branch, and sometimes two, on every single intersection in Harris County.

A little additional investigation yielded the fact that these two branches in Northern Ireland are both conveniently located in Belfast, about 1,000 yards from each other! So now we know that HS consulted with Houston in location planning.

Well, we jumped in the car and drove to the heart of downtown Belfast, where we discovered you can drive to one location, but you cannot park there. And you can drive to the other location, but you can’t park there either. So you can’t actually drive to the bank, unless you don’t want to get out and do any business while you are there. If you want to actually do bank stuff, you must walk to the bank from somewhere far away, such as another country (i.e. the Republic of Ireland).

While we were driving past the banks, we discovered the Northern Irish solution to the no parking dilemma. If you need to park where there is no parking, such as in the middle of a busy downtown street, with “NO PARKING” signs every 5 feet, you simply stop wherever you feel like it and turn on your emergency flashers. This signals the drivers lined up behind you that you are going to actually park and walk away from your car. And because drivers here are so much more polite and friendly than anyplace else we have ever driven (and possibly, because, like Barney Fife, you can own a gun here but cannot own ammunition) the other drivers simply swerve over to the wrong side of the road to squeeze around your newfound parking space and keep going.

So I parked close to the bank on the busiest street I could find, armed my flashers and walked into the bank. Inside I found three machines that looked like ATMs but, I discovered later, are not. I also found one bank employee standing at something that looked like a podium. The following conversation took place at the podium and I am not making this up.

Me: I would like to cash a check.

Him: Excuse me?

Me: (Realising he may not speak American) I would like to cash a cheque.

Him: You want to cash a cheque?

Me: Yes.

Him: Do you have an appointment?

Me: No.

Him: Then you cannot cash a cheque.

Me: What?

Him: (Realising I may not speak Northern Irish, raising his voice and speaking slowly, as he raised his sword with his right hand and used his left hand to strike his staff down onto the Bridge of Khazad-dûm) YOU SHALL NOT PASS!

Author’s Note: Ha-ha! I am just kidding; that is actually a line spoken by Gandalf to the Balrog of Moria in The Fellowship of the Ring, which I never would have read if my little sister had not told me that I should and now I am so grateful to her for being the literary genius that she is. Also, I am very sorry that I shot her in the ankle with my BB gun. She eventually recovered, learned to play the piano and the 12-string guitar, married well and raised a wonderful family. I think she owes it all to me for shooting her with a BB gun but for some reason she has never thanked me.

Him: You cannot cash a cheque.

Me: (Stunned silence)

Him: For how much is the cheque made out?

Me: One hundred and thirty six pounds.

Him: Are you a signer on the account on which the cheque was written?

Me: No.

Him: Then we cannot possibly cash a cheque without an appointment.

Me: How far in advance do I need to make the appointment?

Him: At least one week.

Me: Thank you for your service.

Him: Not at all, sir.

I actually stood there for a few minutes, cheque in hand, wondering what to do, when another customer walked up to me and asked, “You look like you could use some help; is there something I can do for you?”

I shared my dilemma and he immediately put me at ease. He told me that rather than jump through the hoops to cash a cheque, I should just pay it in and then turn around and withdraw it. He explained what the three machines were. One is a pay-in machine that only functions to accept deposits, either cash or cheques. The second machine is for electronic bill paying. The third machine is an ATM for withdrawing only.

He took me over to the pay-in machine and had me watch him make his deposit so I would know how to make mine. Then he pointed me to the ATM and told me to go get my cash from there. He was extremely kind and I appreciated his help. HS has very nice customers; if fact, the customers are much more helpful than the employees.

A few weeks ago, we were on our way to Ireland and needed to exchange Pounds for Euros. Feeling brave, I called the bank to make sure I could do that when I got there.

Me: I need to exchange pounds for Euros. Can I do that at the bank?

Her: When do you need the Euros?

Me: Today.

Her: Unfortunately we do not offer any counter services in Northern Ireland. You would have to call ahead and make an appointment so we could have the Euros sent to the branch.

Me: OK, thank you.

Her: Is there anything else I can do for you?

Me: Oh, no. You have been quite helpful already.

You will never guess what we did to get Euros. We went to the grocery store! Is this a great county or what? We went to the grocery store and they were more than happy to exchange currency at the customer service desk. Grocery stores know that they need to attract and keep customers so they can stay in business. Banks know that if you don’t have an appointment, you are a nuisance.

What kind of banking system is this? No wonder the Eurozone is imploding. The customer is never right without an appointment.

Before we asked if we could cash a cheque.

After we asked if we could cash a cheque.

It works in the car too!

Postscript: In a recent development, the Haemorrhoidal Services Bamboozle Customers bank decided to close half of their branch locations in Northern Ireland. So now we only have one location we cannot drive to when we need services that are never available without an appointment and sometimes not even when we have one.

Elder Blickenstaff